oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
