New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
