I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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