today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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