Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The adults are the big ones right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
