I will die if light touches me.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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