I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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