i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Girls should come with a carfax report
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
