Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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