i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if only i could text you this smell
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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