I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
