I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
