Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
