She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
