Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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