Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
