She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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