Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
