i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
