i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
