Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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