do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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