I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
