even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
