Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
