I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
