He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
