I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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