I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
