we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
