i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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