bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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