Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
