I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
