I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
