I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
