i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i think my tv is drunk
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
