theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
