I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
