he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
