best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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