i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
