i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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