I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
