i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
