seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
