im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
