Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
