I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
