3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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